Accepting the Role of a Fertile Uterus

Arie has gotten to this new WONDERFUL point in toddlerhood where everything is an argument and "NOOOOOOO!!!!" is chorused around our one bedroom apartment almost as frequently as lalalala elmo's world and eye of the tiger....however-despite all of that, she is just the most wonderful and pure blessing i could NEVER EVER deserve!! noah leaves early for church on sundays (usually before 7 am) and he does his very best not to wake the girls up. However, arie is such a light sleeper, we have generally just decided if she begins to stir he will put her in bed with me and I cuddle her back to sleep. This past Sunday when she stirred, Noah quietly walked her in and put her on his side of the bed. She rolled over and gently put her arm around my neck, patting my back and said "Good morning Mama."

Seriously!! I could just melt when she does things like that!! She also has realized some of her lifelong power over little sister Idina this week. She now knows that if she just so much as smiles around Idina, it forces the little munchkin into a full-fledged giggle fit that lasts until she can no longer see Arie's face!! It is one of the most heart warming things I have ever seen in my life!!!! I know eventually we will have two teenage girls in the house arguing and possibly even beating the crap out of each other like me and Kara used to do, but for right now I just can't help but bathe in the sound of their shared laughter!!

Especially with a week as trying and emotional as this week has been. There are very few times I've seriously wanted to move back to Boston since I had Arie, but this has been one of those weeks. Luckily things have been improving daily and being back at work is just a refuge for my weary mind!! (despite the fact that they are trying to cramp 14-15 kids in my classroom made for 7 kids and technically only supposed to house 5 kids.....uggg) Even in the midst of such selfish thoughts and self-centered emotions, these two little geeks make everything just feel right!!

I have known since I was 6 that I wanted to be a mother, but honestly have spent so much of my time these past few years partially resenting the fact that I had to give my life up at such a young age. Looking at their faces, though, as they sleep tonight, I know it is all worth it!! Idina will catch my eye from across a crowded room and smile at me with such love and adoration!! I have in no way earned the trust she puts in me in any real sense, but she trusts me completely. Sometimes when crying, I can just call to her that it is okay, I will be there in a minute and she calms down instantly. Someone once told me that the most amazing thing about being a parent was that you could leave them for hours and days at a time but the moment you walked through the door, they just KNOW that they are your's. It is funny how true that is!! Last semester when Idina was barely a newborn, I would have to go to work and then class and would leave in the morning often before she was fully awake and get home usually after she had fallen asleep. But the moment she woke up for her night time feeding, it was clear that she just knew me. I was different to her, I was special. Even at 8 weeks old, she recognized me. In all this self-searching I have been doing, I have failed to realize that this might be my biggest asset in my quest. While I spend time trying to figure out how I can make time for a knitting group and sewing classes and time with friends and family that I constantly feel insecure around, I forget that I have these two perfect, innocent little beings that know my heart and soul better than I probably do!!

Marydora (my therapist) asked me the last time I saw her what Arie would say about me if she could talk. I told her she would say I was fun, that I love to sing and dance with her, that we enjoy laughing together and making up goofy games, that I have a love for nicknames and her father, that I help her love animals and babies, and that I am a consistent and even strict person in all situations. When I was done talking, Marydora asked me what I thought about that. I said, "I don't know" (mostly because she is still a stranger and I HATE talking to strangers so I generally answer all her questions with "I don't know" even if I do know....) Really, what I was thinking was, Arie's 2!! She thinks the world of me because she doesn't know me at all....when she grows up she'll probably see me for the loser I am. (haha-as I write this Arie just climbed out of bed and walked silently into the room, placed her head on my lap and said, "Watch elmo on tv" Gotta love that kid!!) I assume that my view of things is the only true view. I fail to see that what Arie thinks of me IS the true me. I am a mother now. There is no going back. And the truth is, as much as I hate giving myself even the slightest break, I'm a good mother. We may not have a lot, or live in a huge apartment, or get as much "alone time" with each other as we sometimes feel we need, but we're GOOD PARENTS!! I have not until tonight taken security in that. Maybe this is a step in the right direction on this whole quest.

Maybe now I can start to see myself as someone others would want to befriend and be around. I think I still have a long ways to go. I mean, saying "thank you" when someone compliments me is probably still in the distant future, let ALONE believing the compliment, but now I can at least celebrate one aspect of myself that I know is true and clear and permanent. I.am.a.mom. That is never going to change and wishing it away or longing for a time with Noah without that is the equivalent of wishing away arie and idina and despite the sacrifice it truly is for ANY parent to have children, life without them is simply not an option anymore!! I LIKE waking up in the morning to Noah and Arie stomping their feet loudly on the floor singing Gooooood Morning while Idina giggles in her swaddle. I like being the only one who is able to decipher a two year old's garbled language. I feel special when my fat face asks me to "Please hold you." There are so many little aspects of life that I get to celebrate as a mother that few others will ever know or appreciate. And I'm grateful that for the first time I understand not only how blessed I am to have the children I have (and I know I am blessed) but how blessed I am to have this role of "mother."

Man, Marydora is gonna be one giddy therapist when I go in next week and tell her I have finally begun to accept my new life role!!