For my girls....

i wrote this originally as a ventfest for all of the things i have been feeling this past week and month. honestly, i am in a dark, sad place currently and i need to snap out of it. but in writing it, i realized, i have very little to be sad or overwhelmed by. i am SO BLESSED to have the husband and best friend that i do in noah and as lonely and homesick as i often feel here, i am absolutely in LOVE with my family.....so i deleted all of that complaining crap. i hate complainers anyway (i generally avoid it at all costs) and decided to just write to my baby girls instead. much more therapeutic, i feel and i don't have to be annoyed with myself for complaining this way!! :)

anyway, i started this whole thing as a memory keeper for arie (and now idina) and keep it all journaled for them off the computer as well so just as a quick note to my girls. no matter how much i complain and how many times i wish this all would have happened just a little later, please know i love you both SO MUCH. i would not trade in one sleepless night, one empty bank account, one week of fevers and vomit for a trip with your papa, a night out with friends or a homework assignment completed with tears. you are both truly the most wonderful gifts i could ever have asked for. arie-we joke often that you are the best thing we never could have wanted, and truly chica you are. you are the funniest, sweetest little girl. i know this is your papa in you, but you go back and forth from SCREAMING at the top of your lungs with joy to sitting in my lap with your head on my should for almost an hour, not because you are tired or sick but because you know how to love me. someone described you at church (i don't know the person's name) as being magnetic and that was the first time anyone had ever described you in a way that TRULY fit your personality. people have called you personable, and charismatic, and friendly, and sweet but magnetic is the most accurate description of you. people are just drawn to you, whether they know you or not. i thought for sure when we passed the infant stage people would no longer stop us in the grocery store to comment on your beauty or your smile or ask for a kiss. but they still do. you were SO unexpected and unplanned, i truly feel like God gave you that personality to bless us. you were the easiest thing in my life to love. iddy-you are the happiest, kindest creature ever created. truly!! i joke often to people that you're like that because i was on zoloft for postpartum and you got it through the milk, but that is not why. you just have this calm, kind nature. you are so eager to smile and laugh. i can play games with you that i have never been able to play with a baby your age. you already "talk" to us in intonations we almost feel we can understand. you LOVE your big sister and your papa SO MUCH and you love animals. you will giggle whenever sadie or fiona or connick come near. you are a lover and a cuddler and we've only known you for 5 months. i cannot imagine what more we will learn about you in the months and years to come. you two are the most amazing blessings i could ever have asked for. thank you for all of the memories so far and for the many more yet to be made.

i love you both with all of my heart.

Number One Reason I Love My Family....

they are the most fun people i know!!

blog layouts

so everyone has these amazing blog layouts with cute little texts and fun graphics.....how do i do that??!! i want to be a cool blogger. i was just looking at my blog and although i cannot deny i think the two little girls taking up half of the top of the page are ADORABLE!!!! it is just not that cute of a blog. i always want to go places based on the website. if the website is terrible or old fashioned or difficult to navigate i am like "NOPE-not doing it!!" so i would imagine people probably aren't as interested in reading my blog because of the lazy boring no thought layout????

anyway, if anyone can be of any assistance in that i would greatly appreciate any and all help!!!!

so i am planning on hopping off here in a few minutes and being a little crafty before i go to bed but i thought i'd hop on for at least a moment and complain mostly about my ugly blog and then just do a quick purge of emotions!!

we went sledding with the siblings today (noah's siblings) and it was so much fun!! arie was scared to death of every ride down, but still allowed us to take her more than once. she is so trusting. jokes were made about taking idina down, but obviously as unwise as i can sometimes be as a mother (let arie stay in the room tonight as we watch "the hangover"-GASP), i'm not that dense!!!!

it is funny how such a small amount of snow makes such a difference here. we had school canceled on friday and we only got like 3 inches!! i can remember WALKING to school in 22 inches!! but i understand they just don't have the resources or the experience here to have 3 inches not be a big deal. but still it is pretty entertaining. i mean people here can barely drive in a heavy rain.....snow pretty much turns their brains to mush......

on a brighter note, idina is sleeping like 2-3 hours straight at night currently. she'll go to bed at around 9, sleep until almost 11, wake up until about 12:30, sleep until 3, wake up and want to eat, go back to bed around 4 and then wake up for good between 6-7. while i still feel like i have burned my eyes out with hot coals each morning and could not get enough sleep if i slept for 5 days straight, it is a great improvement since she moved to the formula!! i am trying to get her back on the breast, and it seemed to be going well for the beginning of the week, but my milk seems to be changing for some reason and she doesn't seem to like the taste of it. it's slightly annoying as i really hate denying her that bond and i feel a lot like a bad mother that i have just had such supply issues this whole time with her because i NEVER had supply issues with arie.

either way, she is a happy, loving, sweet, healthy baby and i have to trust that if she NEEDED my milk to be as healthy as i want, then God would supply me with that.

my goal for tomorrow is to start reading my Green Book. i do NOT want to be one of those psycho green-fanatics who make everyone else around them feel like terrible people because they use plastic bags to buy groceries instead of cloth because i'm sure 5 years from now they'll be telling us how bad cloth is, but i DO want to help make my own steps towards a healthier world. and i want to raise our kids to live healthy, planet conscious lifestyles (again without being uppity or exclusive). so that is my goal for tomorrow. i'm hoping to get some good tips on some household products that i can make my self (ie toothpaste, cleaning agents other than vinegar water as we already do that, etc) just because it would save us money AND save the world at the same time!! :) that's the way i like to do things. save the world-save me money. otherwise there's just not really much motivation!!

okay. i'm gonna go craft. very exciting life i lead......please envy me now

Crazy Kids Quotes 1

Today at work we had Chapel. Our school is based in a children's psychiatric hospital named Our Lady of Peace originally but now is technically Children's Peace Center (although no one calls it that) because it was originally run by St. Mary & Elizabeth but now is also run by Jewish Hospital, so it is completely conflicted religiously at the moment (menorahs and nativity sets decorate the halls over the holidays, etc.) but that is beside the point. The point is that the kids get to go to chapel once a week if they choose because of the whole catholic origins. Today we had 5 kids that wanted to go. It was nice to be there with them because it always reminds me when I hear their sweet, innocent voices singing songs about Mary and Jesus how they were not always the violent, cussing, sexually explicit little hooligans they are 99% of the time.

Two things that they said, however, really just warmed my heart. The lesson today was about the three wisemen (because today is The Day of Epiphany on the Christian calendar) and Chaplain Jim started out the lesson asking if any of the children knew who the three wisemen were.

One of my students raised her hand and answered, "That's a Goddess and her son!!" We were like, seriously??!! Chaplain Jim is so good with though and he responds SOOOO much better than most and makes them feel like their answers make sense.

Another time he was talking about the gifts the wisemen brought and asked if any one knew what frankincense was. One of my kids answered, "It smells real good. My mom got me some once. I mean, I never smelled it or anything but it was a bottle and the scent was Franken...." he is one of my short little sweet hearts who hasn't got an idea in his head and goes off at the drop of a pin, but he is absolutely the funniest little kid and although he lies ALL THE TIME (told us his 90 year old father was getting surgery done on the prostrate on his upper back once) at least in this case he did recognize that the word frankincense had the word a relation to the word scent which is REALLY good for him!!

I also got this card from one of my little girls (this is the one who told me she likes my penis, pees and spits on you when upset and STRIPS while singing the song "I Give Ya Feva"). As much as it can be challenging and especially lately I just come home and want to CRASH and sleep all day and night, it is one of the most rewarding things I could ever ever imagine having as a part of my life. I am so grateful not only for a job that I love with coworkers I love, but for one that fulfills me as well!! :)

Accepting the Role of a Fertile Uterus

Arie has gotten to this new WONDERFUL point in toddlerhood where everything is an argument and "NOOOOOOO!!!!" is chorused around our one bedroom apartment almost as frequently as lalalala elmo's world and eye of the tiger....however-despite all of that, she is just the most wonderful and pure blessing i could NEVER EVER deserve!! noah leaves early for church on sundays (usually before 7 am) and he does his very best not to wake the girls up. However, arie is such a light sleeper, we have generally just decided if she begins to stir he will put her in bed with me and I cuddle her back to sleep. This past Sunday when she stirred, Noah quietly walked her in and put her on his side of the bed. She rolled over and gently put her arm around my neck, patting my back and said "Good morning Mama."

Seriously!! I could just melt when she does things like that!! She also has realized some of her lifelong power over little sister Idina this week. She now knows that if she just so much as smiles around Idina, it forces the little munchkin into a full-fledged giggle fit that lasts until she can no longer see Arie's face!! It is one of the most heart warming things I have ever seen in my life!!!! I know eventually we will have two teenage girls in the house arguing and possibly even beating the crap out of each other like me and Kara used to do, but for right now I just can't help but bathe in the sound of their shared laughter!!

Especially with a week as trying and emotional as this week has been. There are very few times I've seriously wanted to move back to Boston since I had Arie, but this has been one of those weeks. Luckily things have been improving daily and being back at work is just a refuge for my weary mind!! (despite the fact that they are trying to cramp 14-15 kids in my classroom made for 7 kids and technically only supposed to house 5 kids.....uggg) Even in the midst of such selfish thoughts and self-centered emotions, these two little geeks make everything just feel right!!

I have known since I was 6 that I wanted to be a mother, but honestly have spent so much of my time these past few years partially resenting the fact that I had to give my life up at such a young age. Looking at their faces, though, as they sleep tonight, I know it is all worth it!! Idina will catch my eye from across a crowded room and smile at me with such love and adoration!! I have in no way earned the trust she puts in me in any real sense, but she trusts me completely. Sometimes when crying, I can just call to her that it is okay, I will be there in a minute and she calms down instantly. Someone once told me that the most amazing thing about being a parent was that you could leave them for hours and days at a time but the moment you walked through the door, they just KNOW that they are your's. It is funny how true that is!! Last semester when Idina was barely a newborn, I would have to go to work and then class and would leave in the morning often before she was fully awake and get home usually after she had fallen asleep. But the moment she woke up for her night time feeding, it was clear that she just knew me. I was different to her, I was special. Even at 8 weeks old, she recognized me. In all this self-searching I have been doing, I have failed to realize that this might be my biggest asset in my quest. While I spend time trying to figure out how I can make time for a knitting group and sewing classes and time with friends and family that I constantly feel insecure around, I forget that I have these two perfect, innocent little beings that know my heart and soul better than I probably do!!

Marydora (my therapist) asked me the last time I saw her what Arie would say about me if she could talk. I told her she would say I was fun, that I love to sing and dance with her, that we enjoy laughing together and making up goofy games, that I have a love for nicknames and her father, that I help her love animals and babies, and that I am a consistent and even strict person in all situations. When I was done talking, Marydora asked me what I thought about that. I said, "I don't know" (mostly because she is still a stranger and I HATE talking to strangers so I generally answer all her questions with "I don't know" even if I do know....) Really, what I was thinking was, Arie's 2!! She thinks the world of me because she doesn't know me at all....when she grows up she'll probably see me for the loser I am. (haha-as I write this Arie just climbed out of bed and walked silently into the room, placed her head on my lap and said, "Watch elmo on tv" Gotta love that kid!!) I assume that my view of things is the only true view. I fail to see that what Arie thinks of me IS the true me. I am a mother now. There is no going back. And the truth is, as much as I hate giving myself even the slightest break, I'm a good mother. We may not have a lot, or live in a huge apartment, or get as much "alone time" with each other as we sometimes feel we need, but we're GOOD PARENTS!! I have not until tonight taken security in that. Maybe this is a step in the right direction on this whole quest.

Maybe now I can start to see myself as someone others would want to befriend and be around. I think I still have a long ways to go. I mean, saying "thank you" when someone compliments me is probably still in the distant future, let ALONE believing the compliment, but now I can at least celebrate one aspect of myself that I know is true and clear and permanent. I.am.a.mom. That is never going to change and wishing it away or longing for a time with Noah without that is the equivalent of wishing away arie and idina and despite the sacrifice it truly is for ANY parent to have children, life without them is simply not an option anymore!! I LIKE waking up in the morning to Noah and Arie stomping their feet loudly on the floor singing Gooooood Morning while Idina giggles in her swaddle. I like being the only one who is able to decipher a two year old's garbled language. I feel special when my fat face asks me to "Please hold you." There are so many little aspects of life that I get to celebrate as a mother that few others will ever know or appreciate. And I'm grateful that for the first time I understand not only how blessed I am to have the children I have (and I know I am blessed) but how blessed I am to have this role of "mother."

Man, Marydora is gonna be one giddy therapist when I go in next week and tell her I have finally begun to accept my new life role!!