magic moments

Sunday afternoon Noah decided to have a little "man time" and went to a movie with Joey. I took the opportunity to do something I knew he had nooooooo interest in doing with me-filling out and packaging up our Christmas cards (along with some thank you notes for Keats's shower!! yikes!!). I waited for almost an hour at Walmart with the kiddos for the cards to be reprinted because they messed up again (not to mention that this was the THIRD day in a row I had spent there for over an hour waiting on a different order of Christmas cards I had ordered that then had to be canceled to get these new cards!!) so by the time I got the kids home, they were all ready to pass out.

(Keats and Connick kept me company while I worked....)

I put the girls to bed quickly and got everything set up on the chaise lounge to begin the tedious process. Somehow our numbers have gotten into the 50's for Christmas cards (and I still feel like I'm leaving people out!!) hence why-despite the hour long waits-I use Walmart. 19 cents a card.....you just can't beat that!! I turned on the Christmas tree, lit my balsam pine needle candles, and got to work. I worked on my thank you notes first, getting them all put into envelopes and addressed and then moved onto the Christmas cards. Just as I began to address the envelopes and stuff them, light snow started to fall outside the window. Now anyone who has spent any time in Kentucky knows that snow here is a rare occurrence, just as anyone who has lived in Boston knows that snow in the winter there is not. The funny thing is as "normal" as it was in Boston and as adjusted to it as I was there, I can't help but get giddy at the insignificant amounts we get here now.  I appreciate the retraining Kentucky has put me through. I used to be so discouraged by the lack of snowfall here. Now I have learned to just enjoy even a dusting. This time we got probably less than three inches and got the day off school!! At this particular moment in time, just the flurry outside my window stirred my heart into a happier rhythm.

And then I realized it was the perfect memory; addressing our first Christmas cards as a complete (how many times have we said that!! haha.....we'll see where God leaves that one!!) family for our very first Christmas in our very own home with my two baby men keeping me warm, one at my feet and one on my breast, with my home smelling like Christmas and the tree lighting my envelopes and the snow falling outside. I don't think words or pictures or anything momentary could describe how this moment will live on forever in my mind as a perfect moment in time. Those moments are so rare.....I feel blessed to have experienced it and excited to look forward to the many more perfect memories I will have to look forward to in this home and with my family.

ANNOUNCEMENT: GRACIN IS HERE!!!!!!!!

I have been blessed this year with TWO boy cousins to befriend and grow with Keats as he matures!! Ryvers was mentioned earlier and was born two weeks before Keats (although they were meant to be a few days less than a month apart) and now GRACIN ADAIR has joined the group!! A healthy 8 pounds 11 ounces HUGE with a full head of hair to his BEAUTIFUL, STRONG mama who had him el natural (jealousy!!) just as she had planned!!

I could not love him more and I haven't even seen his face yet!! I will fill in more details as I learn them but for now I know that my wonderful inherited sister is healthy and resting with her newest baby boy!! I cannot wait to travel home (I haven't been in over a year now!!) and meet the little man sometime soon!!!!

I cannot wait to see him and get identical cousin pictures of the three of them so soon!!!! Yay Ali and welcome to the world Gracin!!!!!!!!

Lesson Learned....

Well, I have tried to write Keats's birth story several times, but each time I start, I get this sick feeling and get sad because nothing in his birth went as I would plan. Even now, after months of really working on my spirit in this matter, I still have to fight those feelings. I think I have come to the realization that he is my last child and this was my last time to try and have the birth I have longed to have since Arie, but I know now I will never have that experience. That is a hard realization. Definitely not what I was wishing or hoping for as we practiced our birthing positions each day from our doula handbook or as I read diligently from Dr. Sears and The Bradley Method books....... It has been a hard, slow process but I am finally at peace (for the most part) with my situation.

I TRULY have nothing against medicated births. Nor am I a midwife fanatic (I actually had a very unpleasant experience with the midwives for Idina's birth and LOVED my OB for Arie and Keats's births and felt much more empowered and taken care of by her). I do not think there is a "right" way to give birth or a "stronger" way to give birth. Whether you push them out non-medicated in the bathtub at home or you have an emergency c-section at 36 weeks, the end result is the same: you nurtured and supported the most perfect being on the planet. And for those first time mama's out there who wonder if they will ever love their next the same as they do their first, this statement is true for all your future children too-no worries there!! All that being said, I haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaated being pregnant mostly because I haaaaaaaaaaaaate not being in control. And that includes the birthing process. I had daydreamed of just going in to labor at home and having him come so quickly (no complications involved of course) that Noah and I got to deliver him at home alone. I had daydreamed of being induced (when an induction looked inevitable) and making it through the extreme contractions of pitocin with my water broke and having him without any pain medications still. This was not the plan for Keats and I-even now-whole heartedly dislike not being consulted on that plan!!

Keats's whole pregnancy was a train wreck. From the first few weeks (where my placenta would not attach fully to the uterine wall-which we know now is as a result of a prolapsed uterus-and so I bled for almost 8 weeks straight and intermittently throughout the remainder of the pregnancy. We also know now that I got pregnant with Keats as well as a result of this same problem to begin with when the IUD grew into my uterine wall and I had to get it removed thus resulting in a miscarriage and then Keats......those tricky prolapses......) to the end when they decided to admit and induce me (when I entered the hospital with numb hands, feet and face muscles and eventually went partially blind from what they "believe"-i.e. they have no idea-was either a result of Keats laying on my spinal column incorrectly or a result of my hemoglobin levels dropping well below normal for a healthy adult, let alone a pregnant one). Everything was out of my control, as have been a number of circumstances since then (my student teaching experience and the house situation just to name a few.....).

I have realized that......perhaps......I was meant to be taught a lesson in the fine art of letting go...... And I am grateful for the lessons Keats has already begun to teach me now that I have learned to let go of his birthing experience.

It just doesn't matter any more. When I tell Keats the story of his birth, I will not include a statement of pride that I birthed him without medication. However, I will tell him how we laughed between contractions at the excitement of his arrival as I got my blood transfusions early that morning before the induction began. I will tell him how I remember his father speaking soft words of encouragement to me and quietly reading me poetry from his namesake as I lay on my side during a contraction and the hands of both friends and family, woman I love and trust, on my back, arms, legs, and feet.  I will tell him how I felt the moment he turned out of my hip and off my back and the joy I felt in not only knowing that the pain was almost gone, but that he was almost here. I will tell him how not only was his Auntie Sarah in the room to support me during the labor, but so was his cousin Ryvers, who was only 15 days old. I will tell how his Auntie Ashley ran back and forth from her work across the street as often as she could to check on his progress. I will tell him how his Tia Kara watched on the computer as he was working his way out even though the lights were too dim in the room to see and the sound was turned off for me to have silence. I will remind him how his grandparents were all there-some in spirit and some in person-and teach him how blessed he was for the advancement of technology that could keep his Nana and his GiGi updated every moment over the phone and on the web. I will make sure he knows that he spoke with his Nana, and both of his aunts in other states within a few hours of his arrival and how they all thought he looked just like his Papa. I will laugh as I tell him he almost bonded my relationship with Asa in an extreme way as I tried to allow Asa in the room for his birth. I will smile when I remember feeling the weight of his new body in my arms and more than likely (as I am now) cry as I tell him how his sweet, attentive, gentle nature was evident even at that first meeting. I will tell him how he felt soooooo heavy and talked so softly, so different from his sisters. I will joke, as the nurses did, that he would have been 9 pounds even at two weeks early if he hadn't peed all over the doctor the moment he escaped my body!! I will remind him of his Auntie Amanda coming late that night to meet her birthday buddy after she had spent hours cleaning our unprepared home for his arrival. I will tease his father and remind them both of their first "manly" conversation when Noah pulled Keats up close to his face that night, after everyone else had left, and told him that no matter what his Uncle Asa or anyone else had to say about it-that Batman would always beat Superman in a fight. I will tell him of his first meeting with his sisters and how Arie barked at him like a dog, uncertain how to interact with him, from the foot of the bed while Idina crawled up and quickly began to hug and "sing" to him. I will tell him that although he wasn't planned and that nothing went as I had hoped, imagined or even worst-case-scenario'd, that his arrival-in a moment-made our family complete and made me whole.

And Keats will hear all of these things. And he will know, that from the first-he was loved. And now I know that none of the rest of it matters.

Keats Asa Glass arrived August 25, 2010, two weeks ahead of schedule and completely out of sync with "the plan", weighing 8 pounds 15 ounces and 22 inches long. He is my man and I do love him so.

Just REdiscovered Arie's Birth Story.....

I would probably write this soooooooooooo differently now, but here is the birth story I wrote back when I had Arie almost three years ago!! So funny to think of her as a newborn now, let alone her BIRTH!!!!

Birth details


Type of delivery: Vaginal (with pain relief)

Duration of labor: 36+ hours

Weight @ birth: 8 pounds 3 ounces

Length @ birth: 19 3/4 inches

Arrie Rikku Glass`s Birthstory

My water broke sometime before 12:30 AM on November 23 (I woke up soaked in it thinking I had wet myself!!). I wanted to labor as much as possible naturally, so I took a quick shower and stayed home in bed until my contractions picked up enough that I was feeling them every 3-5 minutes. We got ready and ate breakfast and headed out to the hospital at about 6AM. When we got to the hospital, I was confined to the bed because the baby was not in the birth canal yet and with my water being broken, there is a higher risk for the cord to wrap around her neck. After about 8 hours of irregular, but strong contractions, my doctor (and yes-we were lucky enough to have our doctor who we love deliver us!!) decided to put me on pitocin and increase it steadily to try and help me get into active labor. I had wanted to do a natural childbirth, but at the 17 hour mark, I was having contractions one on top of another at a very high strength without any progress due to the pitocin (I came into the hospital at 2 cm dilated and at the 17 hour mark, I was only a little more than 3 cm dilated!!). At 20 hours I opted for an epidural as the contractions were strong enough and close enough together to cause me to vomit continuously. I feel asleep for about two hours after the epidural kicked in and when I was checked out at the 24 hour mark I had progressed to 7cm!! It was my first real progress throughout the labor. However, to get me to the 7cm my doctor had to put me on double the maximum amount of pitocin usually administered and when I was checked at the 30 hour mark and found to be at 9 cm, my first epidural wore off. Because of the increased amount of pitocin, contractions were over double their normal strength and "coupled" which meant that there was no rest time between the contractions. I vomited again continuously while waiting 40 minutes for the doc to come in with my second round of epidural. Again, after getting the epidural administered, I fell asleep for about two hours. When my doctor next came to check on me it was about 10:30 AM on November 24. She asked me if I was ready to push, but I told her I was too tired and she convinced me to try anyway. I pushed for just over 17 minutes and gave birth to my perfect little girl!! She weighed 8 pounds 3 ounces and had a full head of hair on her way out. I was torn, but only slightly and at that point, I could care less. I held and nursed my baby and then fell asleep while they made sure she was okay (it is unusual to have your water broken for over 30 hours and not get an infection but we were lucky!). Even with the difficult birth, I would do it all again after meeting Arie-not anytime soon, but man she makes it worth all the pain!!!!

 

My Sweet Garry :)

I have been a terrible blogger.....maybe a year of just little ones after work and no school will make me (slightly) better?? I doubt it, but one can dream!! :)

I wanted to report (almost a MONTH LATE!! I know....I should just throw the towel in now!!) that Caleb and Sarah had their beautiful baby boy!!!! Ryvers Calloway West.....weighing in at a healthy 8 pounds 4 ounces and 22 inches long!! Nice big boy just the way we like 'em!!

Now I do have to admit that were you to have been in the room with Sarah during delivery you would not only be AMAZED by how she did for a first time mom, but also become quite convinced that natural labor is not only possible but peaceful and controlled. She was like a video advertisement for natural labor. MY "natural" labor with Idina was NOTHING like this and I cried and complained the whole time!! Were I to have made it through naturally with Keats, I can ASSURE you that I would have done the same again!! But Sarah was so quiet, so controlled. With each contraction, she moaned a little or "talked" a little, but was so peaceful and calm, you would have thought it was her eighth time around!!

I was so blessed to have been in the room with her for even the few short hours I was. It was such an amazing part of life to be involved with, I truly could not love her or her baby boy any more if I tried!! Watching everyone in the room just silently put their hands on her with each contraction honestly made my eyes water. Even in getting to edit her labor pictures later, I only felt more connection to my beautiful, strong sister and her handsome new man. I wish I could share those pictures with you, but they are forever a private reminder to our family of Ryvers's amazing birth!!

Seriously, ladies, if you are thinking about a natural birth and are having any doubts, please contact her!! She will set your minds at ease. Granted-a natural birth is not for everyone and for some of us (myself included) despite our best efforts, a natural birth is just not in the cards. However, I can say after witnessing my little Garry's entrance into the world that it can be a calm, beautiful, bonding experience that you will remember for the rest of your life!!

I am so proud of my sister in getting to deliver exactly the way she had hoped for and so very much in love with both her, her amazing husband (who could not have been more perfect throughout the birthing process) and her newest hunk!! I cannot wait for more Westies to love and watch grow in the coming years!!

Decisions Decisions

So....I am wavering back and forth (have been for the past 5 weeks since it was mentioned) about getting induced or not on August 31....That is 5 days before my due date and actually later than I had either of the girls. I just can't decide what to do. This has been such a difficult pregnancy for me both physically and emotionally and the past 5 days I am running on about 1 1/2-2 1/2 hours of sleep a night between bathroom breaks, uncomfortably of a huge belly, a teething infant and a restless toddler. I am starting to wonder how I am going to make it another 7 weeks, not to mention the insane number of Rx's they have me on, not being able to eat (I haven't even gained an ounce in over 4 weeks....and that was after losing almost 8 pounds....I'm starting to get nervous he's stopped growing!! But he feels bigger??), throwing up constantly either from M/S or contractions and just a general feeling of longing to be "normal" again.

It's a hard decision to make for a number of reasons, not the least being that people have VERY strong opinions of "natural" versus "non-natural" that they are only too willing to express even without provocation and I'll be having this baby side-by-side with Noah's two sisters, both of whom I'm sure will have huge, perfect babies medication free.....

Noah REALLY wants me to get the induction. We are both in LOVE with our OB, she is absolutely amazing and was soooooooooooo incredible for Arie's birth. She supports all decisions I make and is a very cautious practitioner. She just puts me at ease like very few people have this time around. She would not do the induction unless I was effaced/dilated, there was an amnio done for his lungs/growth scan done for his size (if that was a concern) and my Bishop score was incredible. It would just be such a comfort to know she would be there and I could wear my own clothes and walk around with my water broken and not need an IV and just everything else.....Plus Kara would be able to come down and be in the room when I had him which would be so so amazing.

So....here I am asking for opinions (good or bad, for or against). I am weighing my options currently.

Thus far here is my pro's/con's list as I see it (I know others might have things to add to either side).

Pro's

1. My family would be able to plan more accordingly for the birth and not have to waste tons of money flying down so would possibly be able to stay longer
2. Kara would be able to be in the delivery room with us as Keats arrived
3. Child care would be easier to figure out
4. Dr. Walker would 100% be there to support me in my delivery
5. I would be able to have all of the comforts I want for birth, my own clothes, no IV unless needed, walking around even after my water is broken, choice of birthing positions (including squatting if wanted), I get to cut the cord, Noah or I could catch the baby if we want, etc
6. Dr. Walker knows all of the "issues" we've had leading into this pregnancy (and there have been a lot) so I wouldn't have to be describing all of my worries (not feeling Keats move, etc) to a dr I've never met
7. I have already been induced twice so I know what to expect and trust Dr. Walker enough not to fear c-section with her
8. If I go into labor earlier than the planned induction, at least my last few weeks will be less stressful
9. I can plan for my job more accordingly (in terms of when paychecks will stop, when they will start, and figuring out lesson plans to match CC guides)
10. I will be able to plan better for KTIP (yuck....when will school be done??)
11. This is Noah's PREFERENCE
12. I will be more at ease
13. I will have an actual end in sight.....seirously....I truly feel like I have been pregnant FOREVER.....I know that is selfish, but unless you have been pregnant as frequently as me, please try not to judge too harshly :/

Con's

1. It would make using a doula pretty much out of the question. I have gone back and forth on this. I LOOOOOOVE Lorna (the woman we are planning on using) but I will have only met her twice by the delivery and that makes me feel kind of exposed. Plus, I would really rather have my sisters there (Kara and Ashley) than someone I don't really know, but Noah would really REALLY like to have a doula there.....so while I am torn on this one, it is going in to con's list for me because Noah is my support and I want him to feel supported in this process.
2. Induction does increase the risk of c-section, although again, this is a torn con because I've had two inductions (and Arie's induction really shouldn't have worked considering I was not effaced at all and barely 1 cm dilated when my water broke!!) and both went fine....but still it's a risk and I'm scared to death of surgery....never had one before-really don't want to start with a major one
3. I'm afraid of the pain it causes when you have to get pitocin (although Dr. Walker said that would be her last resort, she thinks stripping my membranes will be enough to get labor going as that is what started Arie's labor)
4. As lame as it is, I don't want to have to deal with the judgements and people's opinions
5. I get nervous that I will blame myself forever if something goes wrong

okay............so even if no one responds, at least I'm starting to think it through!! We have a growth scan at 34 weeks and a BPP that day as well, so I think depending on those results, I will begin my discussion with Dr. Walker. She feels safer being there just with all of my issues, but we'll have to wait and see what my heart says in the long run......Thanks for listening to my rambling....What a way to come back after like a month of not posting!! :) Sorry about that!! Keats, at least you will know you were loved and thought about STRONGLY long before you arrived!!

Hi Ho Hi Ho....It's Off To Work We Go

Back to work today for summer school session. I honestly cannot complain. I just got a week off PAID and now I am back to work for only 5 hour days and will be getting paid my hourly rate for that on top of my summer pay. It will definitely be helpful with Noah not getting paid this summer (funny how that worked out JCPS....) and me needing hours to "qualify" for maternity leave, not to mention needing to save for maternity leave!! Yikes....well, thinking about it in those terms I am very grateful to be back to work!!

I do NOT like that Donna will not be here with me this summer, but oh well, I'm sure I'll be able to manage on my own :) and I do NOT like that I will have to miss out on Arie and Idina and Bude fun!! It has been an amazing time just being a family-no school, no work, no doctor's appointments. I am going to miss that calmness. I think this will definitely help the time before Keats pass by more quickly though. I have 82 days left as of today (that is if I make it to my due date) and 92 days left if I make it to the date I would like to give birth on!!

I am really feeling just huge and swollen and gross this pregnancy which makes wanting to do anything or even get dressed some days hard, but I know that this will all be over soon. How nice it will be to FINALLY be able to be a normal person again!! I feel like since I moved to Kentucky I have just been growing or giving birth!! Almost 4 years now.....geeze....I am soooooooo in longing of a run right now too. In fact, I might try to run tonight when I get home if I have the energy. I probably won't, we all know that, but I might try. Just for my emotional stability!! I also got this DVD with Jillian what-ever-her-name is from the Biggest Loser and I reallllllly need to start doing that more regularly because it KICKS MY BUTT!! Even Noah thought it was challenging (not nearly as much as I did) so we know it is not just my out of shape preggo body that can't handle it!!!!

Okay........it has been so long since I posted, I don't even know where to catch up and I really have to finish my lunch break and get back to getting ready for these kids tomorrow.....so I'll leave off with a few things Arie has said these past few months (how terrible am I that I have TWO blogs and haven't written in them in months??!!) that I want to be able to remember for her later in life!!

Arie (while praying before going to bed): Dear God, Thank you for Baby Keats in Mama's belly and Baby Ryver's in Sarah's belly and Baby Happy in my belly and the Baby With a Houche in Ali's belly....Thank you for Mama and Papa and Idina....Thank you for Sarah and Beard and Asa and Ashley and Ali and David and Austin and Lily.....Thank you for Nana and Kara and Pedro and the motorcycles....Thank you for GiGi and Grandpa Bobby.....Thank you for Sadie and Fiona and Connick....Thank you for me when I am funny and I make people laugh.....Ummmmm Thank you for Mama and Papa......And thank you for me when I am funny. Amen.

I pulled out a pair of purple shoes my mom had sent down for Arie (with a ton of other stuff) and when Arie saw them her response was: OHHHHHHH Thank you Mama!! (hugging me and patting my back) Thank you SO MUCH!! I love my purple shoes!! My Nana sent these to me. Oh thank you Mama, I am so pretty like Belle now!!

Arie (every time she gets in trouble lately): I not be bad. I am good, you do know that.

(Loud crashing noise in our bedroom coming from my side of the bed) Me: Arie, what are you doing?
Arie (poking her head around the end of my bed): Nothing....just breaking stuff.
Me: Well, please stop breaking stuff and come out here.
Arie: Okay Mama!!

There are so many more, but that's all I can document today. On the Idina front, she is just becoming a CHILD. It is so weird. She will be 1 in just 8 1/2 weeks!! Yikes!! She is literally the sweetest, calmest child ever but I love love love that she still has that spunky, fun spirit that Arie has. It is kind of a perfect match. Where Arie is stubborn and willful and argumentative (Sorry for imparting that on you baby girl!!), Idina has more of Noah's laid-back, go with the flow personality while retaining Arie and Noah's love for laughter and jokes and general merriment. I have never met a 10 month old that has as many inside jokes as this little goober does!! She truly is just such a blessing to us. We have decided (to avoid all that middle child syndrome stuff) that Arie will be our first born, Keats will be our first boy and Idina will be our baby!! :) Neither of us can imagine if she started to feel neglected because of Keats's arrival. The nice thing about her personality is I doubt she truly would, she just loves being a part of anything and doesn't require a ton of attention personally, but still-she is just too amazing and perfect to even risk that.

So weird we will have a little boy here sometime in the next few months!! I am overwhelmed and not nearly prepared but so very excited to meet him!! Alright....back to the daily gruel.......

PS-I have been crafting A LOT this past week out of work so I will post on my Dirty Diaper Distractions soon!!!! If anyone is interested-lots of baby stuff being made :)

Blue Night....

Rough day and night today....Rough couple of days honestly. It's annoying. I hate complaining, but Noah always gets frustrated with me because I'll go through this whole thing where I'm not gonna complain, I'm not gonna complain, I'm not gonna complain.....and then I break. Tonight is one of those breaking points.



I know there are a lot of factors. The girls haven't been sleeping through the night. Really haven't been sleeping at night at all. About 4 hours total since Sunday night.... For the next 4 weeks I have at least 30 pages due per week for different assignments plus my weekly observed lesson plans which always average about 15 pages and at least 10 hours of planning in addition to the pure anxiety that comes from being observed by a woman who has literally told me she doesn't think I should graduate because of where I work.... My mom left on Monday and I miss her so so much!! As well as my sister and my friends. I really wish I could make it home more than once a year. I hate that Obs and Miss Leigh and Heaton and Dee and Jack don't even really know my kids.... Noah and I got into a fight last night and although it was not even nearly a bad fight, I think that was truly it for me. I just feel so drained and lonely and overwhelmed. I want to give up. I wish quiting school and my job and life for a week was an option!!

It just feels tonight like it's been one thing after another for months and months....since September really. First I had that terrible infection with the IUD that was painful and miserable and emotional, and then getting that removed which led to even more pain and emotional feelings, then my Nana passing away, then the miscarriage, then Christmas which I always just barely suffer through thinking about Dad and Lee, then this pregnancy (which I'm not complaining about-I am so grateful now, but at the time, I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I mean, Idina was 4 months. My body even now hasn't even begun to heal completely....), then everything with the bleeding with this pregnancy which now I know is okay for the baby but still ever since I started bleeding I just feel SO drained. Not like preggo exhausted but like sick and malnurished, just drained. Plus it is miserable and old-ladyish to have to wear a HUGE pad everyday. And be 20 pounds overweight knowing I am about to gain and additional 30-40......

I really am just at a point tonight where I want to give up on all friendships, school, work, just everything. BUUUUUUUUUUUT I know in my rational mind that this is all a result of sleep deprivation and school-driven anxiety.....still that doesn't help my heart feel any more healed or full, it just lays there in my chest feeling heavy and lonely and sad and this is the number ONE reason why I HATE being pregnant ALL THE TIME!!!! I HATE NOT BEING ABLE TO TELL MY HEART WHAT TO FEEL!! When I know it's not true, I like being able to move on, not dwell on things...........

And truly I know I am beyond blessed. I have two beautiful girls, a wonderful, fun, handsome husband, best friends within my family (both natural and married), a job that I adore, pets that make my heart happy, an added blessing in my belly from God that I never thought I'd experience. I know there is so much to be grateful for.....which makes nights like tonight were I feel completely alone and sad such an annoyance to me.

Anyway, it has been over a month since I have last posted (for mainly the reasons listed above) and there was a funny story I wanted to share from today. I picked Arie up from Angie's house this afternoon after work (Karen was sick so we had to find a stand-in and Angie is always so willing!!) and she was just STARVING!! It was almost 4 and I knew Noah wouldn't be home for close to 2 hours and it was a 20 minute drive home and I knew Idina would need to eat when we got there and the pets would need to be fed and put out, etc. so I asked Arie if she wanted a cheeseburger. OF COURSE her answer was YES!!!!

We stopped in at Wendy's and got her a cheeseburger on the way home. Arie always pulls the buns off her burger and eats just the cheese and burger. And today she pointed at her burger and said "It's chicken!!" And I replied, "No sweet heart, that's not chicken, that's hamburger."
ARIE: (pointing again) It's chicken!!!!
ME: No sweet pea, that's cow.
(silence in the backseat for about 3 seconds)
ARIE: (quietly) ....It's....chicken??
ME: No, it's coooow.
(silence again, this time long enough that I look back at her through the rear view mirror. Her bottom lip is pouted out and her eyes are watering as she looks at the cheeseburger.)
ARIE: My cheese burger is a cow??
ME: (quietly, realizing I had made a mistake) Yes....
ARIE: Like a moooo cow??
ME: Yes....

Arie just played with her burger the rest of the way home and didn't eat anymore....I think I may have made our daughter a vegetarian today!! :/

spring time give-away :)

i know i need to actually do a legit post here as i haven't been on in over a month, but to give a quick heads up, my friend is doing a spring time give-away that is to die for!! :) if you have a little girl or are anticipating the birth of one, check out her give away at

http://storyofourlives7.blogspot.com/2010/02/spring-is-in-air-giveaway.html

trust me-it's worth the 2 seconds it takes to check it out!!!! good luck!! (Although i hope to win!!)

For my girls....

i wrote this originally as a ventfest for all of the things i have been feeling this past week and month. honestly, i am in a dark, sad place currently and i need to snap out of it. but in writing it, i realized, i have very little to be sad or overwhelmed by. i am SO BLESSED to have the husband and best friend that i do in noah and as lonely and homesick as i often feel here, i am absolutely in LOVE with my family.....so i deleted all of that complaining crap. i hate complainers anyway (i generally avoid it at all costs) and decided to just write to my baby girls instead. much more therapeutic, i feel and i don't have to be annoyed with myself for complaining this way!! :)

anyway, i started this whole thing as a memory keeper for arie (and now idina) and keep it all journaled for them off the computer as well so just as a quick note to my girls. no matter how much i complain and how many times i wish this all would have happened just a little later, please know i love you both SO MUCH. i would not trade in one sleepless night, one empty bank account, one week of fevers and vomit for a trip with your papa, a night out with friends or a homework assignment completed with tears. you are both truly the most wonderful gifts i could ever have asked for. arie-we joke often that you are the best thing we never could have wanted, and truly chica you are. you are the funniest, sweetest little girl. i know this is your papa in you, but you go back and forth from SCREAMING at the top of your lungs with joy to sitting in my lap with your head on my should for almost an hour, not because you are tired or sick but because you know how to love me. someone described you at church (i don't know the person's name) as being magnetic and that was the first time anyone had ever described you in a way that TRULY fit your personality. people have called you personable, and charismatic, and friendly, and sweet but magnetic is the most accurate description of you. people are just drawn to you, whether they know you or not. i thought for sure when we passed the infant stage people would no longer stop us in the grocery store to comment on your beauty or your smile or ask for a kiss. but they still do. you were SO unexpected and unplanned, i truly feel like God gave you that personality to bless us. you were the easiest thing in my life to love. iddy-you are the happiest, kindest creature ever created. truly!! i joke often to people that you're like that because i was on zoloft for postpartum and you got it through the milk, but that is not why. you just have this calm, kind nature. you are so eager to smile and laugh. i can play games with you that i have never been able to play with a baby your age. you already "talk" to us in intonations we almost feel we can understand. you LOVE your big sister and your papa SO MUCH and you love animals. you will giggle whenever sadie or fiona or connick come near. you are a lover and a cuddler and we've only known you for 5 months. i cannot imagine what more we will learn about you in the months and years to come. you two are the most amazing blessings i could ever have asked for. thank you for all of the memories so far and for the many more yet to be made.

i love you both with all of my heart.

Number One Reason I Love My Family....

they are the most fun people i know!!

blog layouts

so everyone has these amazing blog layouts with cute little texts and fun graphics.....how do i do that??!! i want to be a cool blogger. i was just looking at my blog and although i cannot deny i think the two little girls taking up half of the top of the page are ADORABLE!!!! it is just not that cute of a blog. i always want to go places based on the website. if the website is terrible or old fashioned or difficult to navigate i am like "NOPE-not doing it!!" so i would imagine people probably aren't as interested in reading my blog because of the lazy boring no thought layout????

anyway, if anyone can be of any assistance in that i would greatly appreciate any and all help!!!!

so i am planning on hopping off here in a few minutes and being a little crafty before i go to bed but i thought i'd hop on for at least a moment and complain mostly about my ugly blog and then just do a quick purge of emotions!!

we went sledding with the siblings today (noah's siblings) and it was so much fun!! arie was scared to death of every ride down, but still allowed us to take her more than once. she is so trusting. jokes were made about taking idina down, but obviously as unwise as i can sometimes be as a mother (let arie stay in the room tonight as we watch "the hangover"-GASP), i'm not that dense!!!!

it is funny how such a small amount of snow makes such a difference here. we had school canceled on friday and we only got like 3 inches!! i can remember WALKING to school in 22 inches!! but i understand they just don't have the resources or the experience here to have 3 inches not be a big deal. but still it is pretty entertaining. i mean people here can barely drive in a heavy rain.....snow pretty much turns their brains to mush......

on a brighter note, idina is sleeping like 2-3 hours straight at night currently. she'll go to bed at around 9, sleep until almost 11, wake up until about 12:30, sleep until 3, wake up and want to eat, go back to bed around 4 and then wake up for good between 6-7. while i still feel like i have burned my eyes out with hot coals each morning and could not get enough sleep if i slept for 5 days straight, it is a great improvement since she moved to the formula!! i am trying to get her back on the breast, and it seemed to be going well for the beginning of the week, but my milk seems to be changing for some reason and she doesn't seem to like the taste of it. it's slightly annoying as i really hate denying her that bond and i feel a lot like a bad mother that i have just had such supply issues this whole time with her because i NEVER had supply issues with arie.

either way, she is a happy, loving, sweet, healthy baby and i have to trust that if she NEEDED my milk to be as healthy as i want, then God would supply me with that.

my goal for tomorrow is to start reading my Green Book. i do NOT want to be one of those psycho green-fanatics who make everyone else around them feel like terrible people because they use plastic bags to buy groceries instead of cloth because i'm sure 5 years from now they'll be telling us how bad cloth is, but i DO want to help make my own steps towards a healthier world. and i want to raise our kids to live healthy, planet conscious lifestyles (again without being uppity or exclusive). so that is my goal for tomorrow. i'm hoping to get some good tips on some household products that i can make my self (ie toothpaste, cleaning agents other than vinegar water as we already do that, etc) just because it would save us money AND save the world at the same time!! :) that's the way i like to do things. save the world-save me money. otherwise there's just not really much motivation!!

okay. i'm gonna go craft. very exciting life i lead......please envy me now

Crazy Kids Quotes 1

Today at work we had Chapel. Our school is based in a children's psychiatric hospital named Our Lady of Peace originally but now is technically Children's Peace Center (although no one calls it that) because it was originally run by St. Mary & Elizabeth but now is also run by Jewish Hospital, so it is completely conflicted religiously at the moment (menorahs and nativity sets decorate the halls over the holidays, etc.) but that is beside the point. The point is that the kids get to go to chapel once a week if they choose because of the whole catholic origins. Today we had 5 kids that wanted to go. It was nice to be there with them because it always reminds me when I hear their sweet, innocent voices singing songs about Mary and Jesus how they were not always the violent, cussing, sexually explicit little hooligans they are 99% of the time.

Two things that they said, however, really just warmed my heart. The lesson today was about the three wisemen (because today is The Day of Epiphany on the Christian calendar) and Chaplain Jim started out the lesson asking if any of the children knew who the three wisemen were.

One of my students raised her hand and answered, "That's a Goddess and her son!!" We were like, seriously??!! Chaplain Jim is so good with though and he responds SOOOO much better than most and makes them feel like their answers make sense.

Another time he was talking about the gifts the wisemen brought and asked if any one knew what frankincense was. One of my kids answered, "It smells real good. My mom got me some once. I mean, I never smelled it or anything but it was a bottle and the scent was Franken...." he is one of my short little sweet hearts who hasn't got an idea in his head and goes off at the drop of a pin, but he is absolutely the funniest little kid and although he lies ALL THE TIME (told us his 90 year old father was getting surgery done on the prostrate on his upper back once) at least in this case he did recognize that the word frankincense had the word a relation to the word scent which is REALLY good for him!!

I also got this card from one of my little girls (this is the one who told me she likes my penis, pees and spits on you when upset and STRIPS while singing the song "I Give Ya Feva"). As much as it can be challenging and especially lately I just come home and want to CRASH and sleep all day and night, it is one of the most rewarding things I could ever ever imagine having as a part of my life. I am so grateful not only for a job that I love with coworkers I love, but for one that fulfills me as well!! :)

Accepting the Role of a Fertile Uterus

Arie has gotten to this new WONDERFUL point in toddlerhood where everything is an argument and "NOOOOOOO!!!!" is chorused around our one bedroom apartment almost as frequently as lalalala elmo's world and eye of the tiger....however-despite all of that, she is just the most wonderful and pure blessing i could NEVER EVER deserve!! noah leaves early for church on sundays (usually before 7 am) and he does his very best not to wake the girls up. However, arie is such a light sleeper, we have generally just decided if she begins to stir he will put her in bed with me and I cuddle her back to sleep. This past Sunday when she stirred, Noah quietly walked her in and put her on his side of the bed. She rolled over and gently put her arm around my neck, patting my back and said "Good morning Mama."

Seriously!! I could just melt when she does things like that!! She also has realized some of her lifelong power over little sister Idina this week. She now knows that if she just so much as smiles around Idina, it forces the little munchkin into a full-fledged giggle fit that lasts until she can no longer see Arie's face!! It is one of the most heart warming things I have ever seen in my life!!!! I know eventually we will have two teenage girls in the house arguing and possibly even beating the crap out of each other like me and Kara used to do, but for right now I just can't help but bathe in the sound of their shared laughter!!

Especially with a week as trying and emotional as this week has been. There are very few times I've seriously wanted to move back to Boston since I had Arie, but this has been one of those weeks. Luckily things have been improving daily and being back at work is just a refuge for my weary mind!! (despite the fact that they are trying to cramp 14-15 kids in my classroom made for 7 kids and technically only supposed to house 5 kids.....uggg) Even in the midst of such selfish thoughts and self-centered emotions, these two little geeks make everything just feel right!!

I have known since I was 6 that I wanted to be a mother, but honestly have spent so much of my time these past few years partially resenting the fact that I had to give my life up at such a young age. Looking at their faces, though, as they sleep tonight, I know it is all worth it!! Idina will catch my eye from across a crowded room and smile at me with such love and adoration!! I have in no way earned the trust she puts in me in any real sense, but she trusts me completely. Sometimes when crying, I can just call to her that it is okay, I will be there in a minute and she calms down instantly. Someone once told me that the most amazing thing about being a parent was that you could leave them for hours and days at a time but the moment you walked through the door, they just KNOW that they are your's. It is funny how true that is!! Last semester when Idina was barely a newborn, I would have to go to work and then class and would leave in the morning often before she was fully awake and get home usually after she had fallen asleep. But the moment she woke up for her night time feeding, it was clear that she just knew me. I was different to her, I was special. Even at 8 weeks old, she recognized me. In all this self-searching I have been doing, I have failed to realize that this might be my biggest asset in my quest. While I spend time trying to figure out how I can make time for a knitting group and sewing classes and time with friends and family that I constantly feel insecure around, I forget that I have these two perfect, innocent little beings that know my heart and soul better than I probably do!!

Marydora (my therapist) asked me the last time I saw her what Arie would say about me if she could talk. I told her she would say I was fun, that I love to sing and dance with her, that we enjoy laughing together and making up goofy games, that I have a love for nicknames and her father, that I help her love animals and babies, and that I am a consistent and even strict person in all situations. When I was done talking, Marydora asked me what I thought about that. I said, "I don't know" (mostly because she is still a stranger and I HATE talking to strangers so I generally answer all her questions with "I don't know" even if I do know....) Really, what I was thinking was, Arie's 2!! She thinks the world of me because she doesn't know me at all....when she grows up she'll probably see me for the loser I am. (haha-as I write this Arie just climbed out of bed and walked silently into the room, placed her head on my lap and said, "Watch elmo on tv" Gotta love that kid!!) I assume that my view of things is the only true view. I fail to see that what Arie thinks of me IS the true me. I am a mother now. There is no going back. And the truth is, as much as I hate giving myself even the slightest break, I'm a good mother. We may not have a lot, or live in a huge apartment, or get as much "alone time" with each other as we sometimes feel we need, but we're GOOD PARENTS!! I have not until tonight taken security in that. Maybe this is a step in the right direction on this whole quest.

Maybe now I can start to see myself as someone others would want to befriend and be around. I think I still have a long ways to go. I mean, saying "thank you" when someone compliments me is probably still in the distant future, let ALONE believing the compliment, but now I can at least celebrate one aspect of myself that I know is true and clear and permanent. I.am.a.mom. That is never going to change and wishing it away or longing for a time with Noah without that is the equivalent of wishing away arie and idina and despite the sacrifice it truly is for ANY parent to have children, life without them is simply not an option anymore!! I LIKE waking up in the morning to Noah and Arie stomping their feet loudly on the floor singing Gooooood Morning while Idina giggles in her swaddle. I like being the only one who is able to decipher a two year old's garbled language. I feel special when my fat face asks me to "Please hold you." There are so many little aspects of life that I get to celebrate as a mother that few others will ever know or appreciate. And I'm grateful that for the first time I understand not only how blessed I am to have the children I have (and I know I am blessed) but how blessed I am to have this role of "mother."

Man, Marydora is gonna be one giddy therapist when I go in next week and tell her I have finally begun to accept my new life role!!