I'm finding it difficult lately to figure out who I am after motherhood. Despite the fact that no one reads this because I NEVER write on it, I am thinking I will begin to write on here again just for my own self-discovery. We'll see how committed I can stay to it!!
The thing is Noah doesn't want any more children. I do, but that is beside the point. His argument is stronger for why we shouldn't have any more so until I can come up with a better argument than "I just want more" we're done. But now I'm left with this emptiness of finding out who I am as not only myself, but a wife, a teacher, a student, and a mother of two under two. I used to be so much more than I am right now. Right now I'm lucky if I get to spend time with one friend a week. And even more lucky if I get enough time to even pee on my own in the course of a week. I used to be a dancer, a runner, a biker, a photographer, a singer, an artist, a sports enthusiast, and so many other things. Now about the only thing I have going for me is that I am a "good mother." Don't get me wrong-being a good mother is pretty much the highest compliment you can give a woman....but I'm 26!! I want to be more than a mother and a wife. I want t be MYSELF again. And I know I will never truly be myself again because I will never truly be ME again. I can't do anything without thinking about my babies, even when I don't know I'm thinking about them....but I need to take more time for myself. Stop trying so hard to keep friendships strong, stop trying so hard to be like other people and start figuring out what makes ME happy.
I want to go to Marla's knitting group. That is how I want to spend my Tuesday nights. I want to get up early and run before the girls wake up, come home, read my Bible or a good book before I have to leave for work and center myself. I want to get Arie into an actual bedtime routine so it's not such a stressful experience. Heck, I WANT A BEDTIME ROUTINE!! I want to do Yoga before I go to sleep each night. I want to start eating better and exercising.
This is my New Year. Today I decide to start taking better care of myself. Jackey would be proud of me....she's always telling me to take better care of myself. I told Noah today I really want a craft room in whatever home we eventually buy. He was surprised that I said that because I barely ever craft now that we are married, but I LOVE crafting!! And I miss it!! And running and riding my bike to work, and DANCING-ugggggg.....Why have I let so much of myself fall to the wayside??
For the maybe two of you who still check this from time to time, please feel free to join me on this adventure. Challenge me with new experiences. I want to find myself again!! Maybe with your help, I will....
6 comments:
Well my blog alerts me when a a fellow bloggy friend has a new post, so you do have readers! I think that being a mom is more than the sum of all the other things we have to give up... I think you'll look back at this time in your life as the pinnacle of your accomplishments. But I'm not nearly as talented as you so I didn't have to give up nearly as much. I had to give up going potty in private, but I've never been all of the wonderful things that you are... a dancer, an artist, etc. How very blessed you are! There will be (sadly) SO much time to do all of those things again after the kids don't want anything to do with us! Right now just know that God is using you for an amazing purpose, and you're doing a great job!
i too am alerted whenever you post! i am not a mom so i can't speak to all that you get for what you give up, but i can imagine its pretty good. i also can see that you aren't denying the fact that being a mom is great - you want that and some of what you used to be.
you can do it. but don't be hard on yourself...you haven't let things go because you are lazy or careless, you let those things go because there are only so many minutes in every day and you have priorities. being able to prioritize is an incredibly important and worthy skill to have mastered.
as your girls grow and your life becomes more stable financially, out of school, etc those things will come back slowly but surely. from afar i am constantly amazed at all you do and i'm sure i don't even know the half of it. i think you should add one thing in at a time... master that and then go to the next thing. i will be here cheering you on... especially for the knitting and crafting!!
I AM RIGHT THERE WITH YOU JANA! I talk with my hubby about it often, how I'm just not myself anymore and have lost myself in being a mom and wife... yet i know it will all come back to us later in life. More time to do our own thing. Man I miss singing in a band, writing songs/poetry, making clothes, selling crafts, going dancing, it's just by the time you do all you have to, you're too exhausted to do anything fun alone!! But this too shall pass and then we'll miss our kids being young and needy! Funny how life goes, grass always seems greener where ever we ARE NOT! But try to live in the present and be grateful for the moment. I love you, and we will get through this "identity crisis/change!" ;)
The fact that you are a mother of two under two simply amazes me. You ARE only 26 (27 tomorrow you ol' gal!) and you deserve to do ALL the things that you used to do. I can't fathom being a Mom... but that doesn't mean that I don't think about it or wonder what it would be like. Since I have met YOU though, I have dreamt that I will be incredibly similar TO YOU. You have been my heroine, my best friend, my laughter and my sarcasm. You are so much fun, you are light hearted, and you are NOT OLD :) You can do all of these things and I in a way feel so much the same. Before I moved here, I played volleyball for 9 years of my life, I rode horses, I competed in show jumping, I did track for two years, I did swimming for 2 years, I used to run miles every day with Holly, I used to NAP, I used to hang out with friends ALL the time....
Kentucky was MY dream. I wanted to race, I wanted to be surrounded by Thorouhbreds, and I wanted my own horse farm. Granted, freshman year of college was pretty fascinating for a girl who used to drool over Thoroughbreds... but I think what I put up with boss wise killed my spirit... where are the horses? Why am I not riding? I keep getting SO depressed that I am "not good at anything," but then I remember: I AM!!!! I'm GREAT at horse back riding... that is what I was BORN to do! I just DON'T do it, or rather right now, CAN'T! I live in Old Louisville for Pete sakes.
Anyway, what I am saying, is that I do in a sense feel your pain and your sense of loss. Granted, I used to dream of living here but in a grand way.. nothing has turned out as I expected or planned. But that's why they say God works in mysterious ways eh?
I'm right here with you. I live like 3 blocks away from you. I go to church with you. I LOVE your girls and your husband! And as far as I'm concerned, you're stuck with me for life :)
I love you so much. Be the woman you are and keep growing, searching, fighting! Challenge this world and never be afraid.
You are great.
I am so glad to read this. I can totally empathize with you on many parts of your journey for who you are aside from mother. I am so very glad that we have gotten to know one another in this past year. I hope that we can remain friends for a long time.
i feel like the biggest loser because i didn't even notice anyone COMMENTED on this until now!! but also because i don't know who sprtychik2 is?? there's no photo and i want to know now!!!!
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