Blue Night....

Rough day and night today....Rough couple of days honestly. It's annoying. I hate complaining, but Noah always gets frustrated with me because I'll go through this whole thing where I'm not gonna complain, I'm not gonna complain, I'm not gonna complain.....and then I break. Tonight is one of those breaking points.



I know there are a lot of factors. The girls haven't been sleeping through the night. Really haven't been sleeping at night at all. About 4 hours total since Sunday night.... For the next 4 weeks I have at least 30 pages due per week for different assignments plus my weekly observed lesson plans which always average about 15 pages and at least 10 hours of planning in addition to the pure anxiety that comes from being observed by a woman who has literally told me she doesn't think I should graduate because of where I work.... My mom left on Monday and I miss her so so much!! As well as my sister and my friends. I really wish I could make it home more than once a year. I hate that Obs and Miss Leigh and Heaton and Dee and Jack don't even really know my kids.... Noah and I got into a fight last night and although it was not even nearly a bad fight, I think that was truly it for me. I just feel so drained and lonely and overwhelmed. I want to give up. I wish quiting school and my job and life for a week was an option!!

It just feels tonight like it's been one thing after another for months and months....since September really. First I had that terrible infection with the IUD that was painful and miserable and emotional, and then getting that removed which led to even more pain and emotional feelings, then my Nana passing away, then the miscarriage, then Christmas which I always just barely suffer through thinking about Dad and Lee, then this pregnancy (which I'm not complaining about-I am so grateful now, but at the time, I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I mean, Idina was 4 months. My body even now hasn't even begun to heal completely....), then everything with the bleeding with this pregnancy which now I know is okay for the baby but still ever since I started bleeding I just feel SO drained. Not like preggo exhausted but like sick and malnurished, just drained. Plus it is miserable and old-ladyish to have to wear a HUGE pad everyday. And be 20 pounds overweight knowing I am about to gain and additional 30-40......

I really am just at a point tonight where I want to give up on all friendships, school, work, just everything. BUUUUUUUUUUUT I know in my rational mind that this is all a result of sleep deprivation and school-driven anxiety.....still that doesn't help my heart feel any more healed or full, it just lays there in my chest feeling heavy and lonely and sad and this is the number ONE reason why I HATE being pregnant ALL THE TIME!!!! I HATE NOT BEING ABLE TO TELL MY HEART WHAT TO FEEL!! When I know it's not true, I like being able to move on, not dwell on things...........

And truly I know I am beyond blessed. I have two beautiful girls, a wonderful, fun, handsome husband, best friends within my family (both natural and married), a job that I adore, pets that make my heart happy, an added blessing in my belly from God that I never thought I'd experience. I know there is so much to be grateful for.....which makes nights like tonight were I feel completely alone and sad such an annoyance to me.

Anyway, it has been over a month since I have last posted (for mainly the reasons listed above) and there was a funny story I wanted to share from today. I picked Arie up from Angie's house this afternoon after work (Karen was sick so we had to find a stand-in and Angie is always so willing!!) and she was just STARVING!! It was almost 4 and I knew Noah wouldn't be home for close to 2 hours and it was a 20 minute drive home and I knew Idina would need to eat when we got there and the pets would need to be fed and put out, etc. so I asked Arie if she wanted a cheeseburger. OF COURSE her answer was YES!!!!

We stopped in at Wendy's and got her a cheeseburger on the way home. Arie always pulls the buns off her burger and eats just the cheese and burger. And today she pointed at her burger and said "It's chicken!!" And I replied, "No sweet heart, that's not chicken, that's hamburger."
ARIE: (pointing again) It's chicken!!!!
ME: No sweet pea, that's cow.
(silence in the backseat for about 3 seconds)
ARIE: (quietly) ....It's....chicken??
ME: No, it's coooow.
(silence again, this time long enough that I look back at her through the rear view mirror. Her bottom lip is pouted out and her eyes are watering as she looks at the cheeseburger.)
ARIE: My cheese burger is a cow??
ME: (quietly, realizing I had made a mistake) Yes....
ARIE: Like a moooo cow??
ME: Yes....

Arie just played with her burger the rest of the way home and didn't eat anymore....I think I may have made our daughter a vegetarian today!! :/

spring time give-away :)

i know i need to actually do a legit post here as i haven't been on in over a month, but to give a quick heads up, my friend is doing a spring time give-away that is to die for!! :) if you have a little girl or are anticipating the birth of one, check out her give away at

http://storyofourlives7.blogspot.com/2010/02/spring-is-in-air-giveaway.html

trust me-it's worth the 2 seconds it takes to check it out!!!! good luck!! (Although i hope to win!!)