I'm finding it difficult lately to figure out who I am after motherhood. Despite the fact that no one reads this because I NEVER write on it, I am thinking I will begin to write on here again just for my own self-discovery. We'll see how committed I can stay to it!!
The thing is Noah doesn't want any more children. I do, but that is beside the point. His argument is stronger for why we shouldn't have any more so until I can come up with a better argument than "I just want more" we're done. But now I'm left with this emptiness of finding out who I am as not only myself, but a wife, a teacher, a student, and a mother of two under two. I used to be so much more than I am right now. Right now I'm lucky if I get to spend time with one friend a week. And even more lucky if I get enough time to even pee on my own in the course of a week. I used to be a dancer, a runner, a biker, a photographer, a singer, an artist, a sports enthusiast, and so many other things. Now about the only thing I have going for me is that I am a "good mother." Don't get me wrong-being a good mother is pretty much the highest compliment you can give a woman....but I'm 26!! I want to be more than a mother and a wife. I want t be MYSELF again. And I know I will never truly be myself again because I will never truly be ME again. I can't do anything without thinking about my babies, even when I don't know I'm thinking about them....but I need to take more time for myself. Stop trying so hard to keep friendships strong, stop trying so hard to be like other people and start figuring out what makes ME happy.
I want to go to Marla's knitting group. That is how I want to spend my Tuesday nights. I want to get up early and run before the girls wake up, come home, read my Bible or a good book before I have to leave for work and center myself. I want to get Arie into an actual bedtime routine so it's not such a stressful experience. Heck, I WANT A BEDTIME ROUTINE!! I want to do Yoga before I go to sleep each night. I want to start eating better and exercising.
This is my New Year. Today I decide to start taking better care of myself. Jackey would be proud of me....she's always telling me to take better care of myself. I told Noah today I really want a craft room in whatever home we eventually buy. He was surprised that I said that because I barely ever craft now that we are married, but I LOVE crafting!! And I miss it!! And running and riding my bike to work, and DANCING-ugggggg.....Why have I let so much of myself fall to the wayside??
For the maybe two of you who still check this from time to time, please feel free to join me on this adventure. Challenge me with new experiences. I want to find myself again!! Maybe with your help, I will....
