set up the new blog!!!!

so i set up the new blog tonight!! guess i'm in a blogging mood!! :)

http://dirtydiaperdistractions.blogspot.com/2009/12/candlesthe-first-endeavour.html

leaves something to be desired in terms of layout, but i wanted to get the blog up first and figured i'd mess with the layout later!! if you have any good craft ideas for beginners (particularly in sewing and knitting) please let me know!!

In the light of becoming a "New/Old" me....

Thought that I'd give it a whirl and lighten my blog up a little....let me know what you think if you ever check this. you might not even remember what it used to look like seeing as how I post on here OH SO OFTEN, but I am usually such a dark soul....thought these lighter colors might help me find the new/old me that i seemed to have lost since moving here. i am also creating a new blog to use for my whole "crafty" side that i am trying to reintroduce to myself so hopefully i can get that up and running here so and get some crafts pics up!!

any advice is welcome in this whole soul searching experiment as well....

Life After Motherhood

I'm finding it difficult lately to figure out who I am after motherhood. Despite the fact that no one reads this because I NEVER write on it, I am thinking I will begin to write on here again just for my own self-discovery. We'll see how committed I can stay to it!!

The thing is Noah doesn't want any more children. I do, but that is beside the point. His argument is stronger for why we shouldn't have any more so until I can come up with a better argument than "I just want more" we're done. But now I'm left with this emptiness of finding out who I am as not only myself, but a wife, a teacher, a student, and a mother of two under two. I used to be so much more than I am right now. Right now I'm lucky if I get to spend time with one friend a week. And even more lucky if I get enough time to even pee on my own in the course of a week. I used to be a dancer, a runner, a biker, a photographer, a singer, an artist, a sports enthusiast, and so many other things. Now about the only thing I have going for me is that I am a "good mother." Don't get me wrong-being a good mother is pretty much the highest compliment you can give a woman....but I'm 26!! I want to be more than a mother and a wife. I want t be MYSELF again. And I know I will never truly be myself again because I will never truly be ME again. I can't do anything without thinking about my babies, even when I don't know I'm thinking about them....but I need to take more time for myself. Stop trying so hard to keep friendships strong, stop trying so hard to be like other people and start figuring out what makes ME happy.

I want to go to Marla's knitting group. That is how I want to spend my Tuesday nights. I want to get up early and run before the girls wake up, come home, read my Bible or a good book before I have to leave for work and center myself. I want to get Arie into an actual bedtime routine so it's not such a stressful experience. Heck, I WANT A BEDTIME ROUTINE!! I want to do Yoga before I go to sleep each night. I want to start eating better and exercising.

This is my New Year. Today I decide to start taking better care of myself. Jackey would be proud of me....she's always telling me to take better care of myself. I told Noah today I really want a craft room in whatever home we eventually buy. He was surprised that I said that because I barely ever craft now that we are married, but I LOVE crafting!! And I miss it!! And running and riding my bike to work, and DANCING-ugggggg.....Why have I let so much of myself fall to the wayside??

For the maybe two of you who still check this from time to time, please feel free to join me on this adventure. Challenge me with new experiences. I want to find myself again!! Maybe with your help, I will....

Idina Kyree's Birth Story

We went in for a scheduled induction (due to maternal and fetal fatigue) at 7AM on Monday, August 10. I had to receive pitocin with my first daughter because my water broke but I never went into labor and I really did not want a c-section and I was extremely fearful to try that again, so she broke my water and had me use a breast pump to stimulate contractions. I tried this for several hours but did not have any progress so decided to go with the pitocin. I was on that for several hours, progressed from a 4-5 the first hour and a 5-6 the second hour, but the baby was still pretty high up. They suggested instead of walking and rolling my hips on the birthing ball between contractions, that I try laying on my left side for a while. Up until this point, the pitocin contractions were somewhat painful but tolerable. When I went onto my side, it was 9:50PM and within 15 minutes I was in excruciating pain. They came in to check me and I was at an 8!! They convinced me that although I wanted it, I could make it without the epidural as I was progressing so fast, so I decided to wait it out. I staid stuck at 8 for almost three hours. I cried and sobbed and BEGGED for any kind of relief!! They gave me staitol (sp?) that helped me to sleep between contractions but did not relieve the pain of the contractions at all. I begged and pleaded for an epidural but the doctor who did them was at home so they called him in, but he lived almost a half an hour away. I ended up giving birth to my little girl before he even made it!! The midwife came in to check me and Idina was beginning to crown on her own, she helped me get onto my back and I pushed twice, once for her head and once for her body and she was out!! It was SUCH a relief to push!! I can`t believe I made it through without an epidural. I feel so ashamed for how I handled the pain but the more I talk to others who have done a birth without an epidural, the more I realize my reaction was completely normal, if still a little embarrassing.... Idina Kyree joined our family at 1:08AM, Tuesday, August 11, 2009 weighing 8 lbs 1 ounce and measuring 21 inches long. I am soooo happy to have my baby girl home now with all of her sisters and her papa!! For now, at least, our family is complete!!

My First Year Of Teaching

(My view of the world....I know-cliche that I have apples there, but a girl's gotta snack!!)

With my first year of teaching coming to a close, I thought I'd take some time to stop and reflect..... Peace has treated me really well and I don't honestly think I will be making a change in location ANY time in the near future. I am still trying to figure out if I want to go straight through for administration from here or take some time for myself, but Peace has really opened my heart to working with state custody children, so at least I know where I want to be. Not that there was ever really a question, but it's nice to know I wasn't just being all noble when I chose this career path!!

I know it's stupid and conceited but I actually feel pretty proud of myself. I wouldn't have thought a year ago that I would honestly be in this position. With having Arie unexpectedly and that putting a damper on getting Grad school finished on time and then BRAKING MY STINKING FOOT and having to push classes back even more, I just really think I lost hope that things would really work out anytime soon. It feels kind of weird to now be at a point where I only have 6 classes left (4 this summer and 2 in the fall) and then student teaching, not to mention a job I LOVE, a new baby on the way and a husband about to start his double masters. Everything seems to be falling into place.....I even get my Bernie whenever I feel like the time is right!! Which I don't think I will feel anytime soon, but it's nice to know that I am allowed to at any point now-no restrictions or hold ups!! I just feel like despite the fact that it is not a HUGE accomplishment and I still have a way to go, I am at a place where I can say I'm proud of who I am.....it's been awhile since I've felt that way about myself.....

(My work ID)

Anyway, the point of this blog was to review the year, so I thought I'd share at least two of my favorite memories/aspects of teaching this year.

First, I had a student with autism for only about 3 days (I get the aggressive behavioral/emotional kids mostly, and while they have learning disabilities, they are usually caused by their behavior, so he was picked on and made fun of too much and had to change rooms). Anyway, he drew me a picture one day and asked if he could give it to me as a gift. I am wary taking gifts from the students because sometimes they are pictures or writings of them being abused, etc and then I have to go and report it which is a LONG and emotional process, but I let him give it to me. It was a picture of Jesus on the cross with the two other criminals. Jesus had a frown on.

I turned to the boy and said, "This is really sad."

He turned back to me and said. "Do you even know what this is?"

I said, "Yes, it's Jesus on the cross."

"Right!!" he replied. "This isn't said-it's the happiest moment in history!!"

His simple joy and understanding really convicted me early in the year and helped me see while many of the students in my class where hard to handle and even love at times, they were still innocent and moldable underneath it all. I wish I still had the picture.....

(This is another piece of art work by a separate student. I had to blur out the name-but I thought it was SO sweet when he gave it to me, only to then have him show me the inside (second picture). It's a "double shower" for us to share.....Despite the fact that he got in major trouble, I've kept it on my desk since his discharge because I think it's funny!!)

My second story is not so much sweet as just funny. One of my worst students, but by far the funniest, was a little boy I had almost the entire year (from August through February). While I can't say his actual name due to HIPAA, I will say he liked to sign his name on his papers as Hannah Montana.....

When he was told to take the paper back and put his real name on it, he would reply "That is my real name.....I'm Hannah Montana!!"

He also would eat bugs to "become them." In all seriousness, he believed if he ate a butterfly, he would become one and made EVERY attempt to become all of his favorite bugs. We tried for a little while to get a class pet (this is very restricted in a hospital setting as you might imagine) but he threatened to eat the bugs if we got them, so for the rest of the year whenever he or someone else would ask for a class pet, I would say no. And when they asked why, I would refer them to this boy who would happily reply, "Because I threatened to eat them!!"

He would also tie yarn onto his 1-inch long hair to make himself a "wig", would often sit back in his chair and refuse to do work because "the baby was kicking" and would "flutter" down the hall and back for lunch on the unit (imagine a 4'11" boy who is slightly over weight skipping/galloping down the hall with his arms spread out and fluttering behind him-like a "butterfly"). He once wore a button up pj shirt to school and when told he would need to head back down to the unit and find something appropriate to wear to school would complain saying he needed to look good for his "woman". While he was a HAND FULL-he gave me some of the best stories I think I will ever acquire there!!

(A note from my big Teddy Bear!! I would seriously adopt him if I could!!)

There are soooooooo many other stories from this year that I would love to share (but who would want to read them all!!)-so many fun and happy memories and a good amount of overwhelming, emotional ones too. We had a girl try to hang herself with her long-sleeved shirt from a window sill while her friend distracted us by throwing our computer monitors on the floor, I've been to the hospital twice due to violent attacks (not to mention the times I haven't been to the hospital), my assistant had her ribs broke in two places by an 80 pound, 10 year old girl, I've gone home and just soaked in the tub with literal imprints of shoes and hands up and down my legs and back. It is a physically stressful job (I should really try to convince them to pay me more!!) but the rewards are SO worth the stress. I had a student come in to the classroom in October of this year from a nonverbal classroom and he could only grunt and point at the time of his arrival. Now, he not only speaks, but won't shut up!! He can multiply 3-digit numbers with regrouping when he could only preform math on a kindergarten level when he arrived. He is SUCH a joy to watch grow daily and has made me feel like despite all of the terrible times, maybe I'm accomplishing something?? I just could not imagine a more rewarding, life-changing experience than teaching. There is not a teacher in the world who does not have to suffer from verbal (and yes, even at times physical) abuse from the children they work with, but they continue on in their jobs. It is not because of the AMAZING pay rate or the great schedule (although the schedule is VERY nice!!), it is because they see in their students the potential, the need for someone to see not where they are but where they can GO. For anyone who has made it this far and is a teacher, seriously, thank you for all that you do. While you will have the summer to recover and get your strength back, you have spent almost a year raising 25-30 children that are not your own with the love and guidance only you could give. I am so excited to be counted among the rest of the teaching world now!! AND SO EXCITED FOR SUMMER!!!!!!!!!

(A card from Sarah that made me very happy!!)

27 weeks-OFFICIALLY 3rd trimester!!

So I am officially in the third trimester now!! I cannot believe it-with Arie it felt like it took forever to get to this point. This time it is just flying!! I guess between school, work, an over-active 18 month old and an overly-dependent Basset, life has not allowed me the luxury to pay as much attention this time around, but I think I prefer it this way!!


I have my glucose test (yuck!!) on Tuesday, so tomorrow I have to be very careful with my sugars and Tuesday I have to stick to proteins (no starches, no fruits)-a VERY difficult challenge considering how sick I have been this pregnancy!! It is nice to not be at 45 pounds plus at this point in the pregnancy (like I was with Arie) but at the same time, I am really done with feeling sick almost everyday!! I feel like it just steals my joy and makes me want to lay in bed all day which is NOT an option!!



I felt pretty good today though and got A LOT done. I'm even blogging-which OBVIOUSLY shows how much energy I have because I haven't been the best at this lately!! Usually cleaning is a very difficult task because she is so low I have trouble leaning over and whatnot, but today I got on my hands and knees and scrubbed our bathroom and kitchen floor, washed down our walls, and then made it through a 1.5 mile run with Noah. It actually makes me pretty sad to only be doing 1.5 miles, but this far along, I am just grateful I can do that much!! I'm hoping if I can stay around 1.5-2 miles 3-4 times a week during the pregnancy then it will be a lot easier to hop back on the wagon once I have the babino in August. As long as I don't break my foot again!! Here's to hoping things will not be as challenging this time around!!


I am really really looking forward to summer starting soon, even though I have to work a few weeks in June, the extra money will be nice and I will have The Hamptons to look forward to in between so I think I can handle it!! :) I just can't wait until next summer when I won't have ANY classes!! I can't even remember life without going to class several nights a week-plus the pay increase will make teaching actually worth it instead of getting less than $100 per day at a job I am constantly attacked at and cussed at, etc. Ahhhhhh-life will be so nice then!! Although I guess I'll have a 2 and 1/2 year old and an almost 1 year old running around so I'm sure things will still be busy!!


Anyway-I just wanted to pop in on a good day to say how excited I am that Idina gets here soon!! My first appointment with the midwife is this week, so hopefully that will be a better experience than Total Woman was!! I'll post once I meet her. I'm actually starting to reread my Bradley Method materials again tonight so we'll see. Maybe this time around my water won't break ridiculously early and I can make it through without the drugs!! I just really really don't want to be confined to a bed for almost two days again!!!! That was beyond miserable!! The rest I think I could handle if that was off the table!!


Okay, going to go and read now-here's to hoping this trimester FLIES BY!!!!!! Fingers crossed!!!!

and i'm back!!

so i figured it had been long enough since my last post. i had my 14 week appointment on tuesday and they pushed back my due date again!! when i went in i was 15 weeks and when i left i was 14......ah well. now it's looking like august 22nd. we have our ultrasound on march 27th, which will be VERY NICE to see what the baby is!! i am very excited. it's weird because i think i want a boy?? i mean, honestly, i don't really care, but i THINK i want a boy. i just know with noah wanting to be done after this that i would feel more content with that decision if i had one of each. i think if i didn't it would be VERY hard for me to be surrendered to the fact that he just really doesn't want any more.

not that i want to be pregnant again!! i hate being pregnant!! this pregnancy has honestly been a LOT worse physically thus far, but nicely has not made me as emotionally insane as last time. last time i was just off the wall, but this time i generally (with the exception of weird rollercoster days) feel like myself. that part of this pregnancy is amazing. the annoying part is that i am now at the point where i am gaining weight, but i do not yet really LOOK pregnant, so i just look like i am gaining weight. it's one of the hardest things for someone who has a lot of self-image issues and previous eating disorders. but what can you do?? i am just trying not to gain the 80+ pounds i gained with arie!! as long as i stay in a healthy weight range, i can't complain!!

i am just really in need of getting back into running and exercising. the first trimester just takes so much out of me that i am just way too exhausted to run and now i really need to be doing that. i need it partly for the exercise, but more so for the peace of mind. things just get to be so much lately between work, school, arie, noah, friendships and the pregnancy. i find that at least 4 days out of the week, if not 5, i am out of the house (without stop) for 13+ hours a day. and this summer looks like it will be the same.....ugggggg...... but we shall see. i just want to be able to run and get back into that clear mindedness that comes when you hit like the 3 mile mark. i just MISS it. i miss the silence i miss the solitude, i miss the feeling that i've done something for me!! so that is my goal right now, to find time for me to get what I NEED not just want arie or noah or the dogs or my work or my friends or my family needs. ....... . . but i am not always the best at that, so we'll have to wait and see!! haha!!

anyway, i just wanted to give a brief update. i'll try to be more commited to this. especially once the summer hits and this whole thing gets closer!! okay. i only slept two hours last night because my lovely daughter hates me and didn't sleep at all, so i am going to sleep now!! i am an old lady!! write again soon!!!!